I love this pictures... To me it symbolizes this journey we are on... We go through the storms, we know what they look like, we see them in our past, but we keep moving forward... Eventually we do come through it...
I am sharing what I recently went through in hopes that it would encourage someone. To know that even when the storms of life come, that Jesus is really with you... It may be dark, and confusing right now... It may seem like the Lord is quiet, but He's there... You may be reading this and not know the Lord, that you can call out to Him or how to... but you can... He WANTS to make Himself known to you... And He does it in so many ways.
October 15, 2010:
I was attending a weekly class they were holding at church. Each week before the class would start they would have a worship time for about an hour... It is a time set aside for just you and the Lord... I would sit there and close my eye and pray or just be quiet and let the Lord speak to my heart... On this night, I felt like the Lord showed me and placed on my heart that I would get pregnant and a time frame... I know that the Lord can show us stuff and that it is not always literal, but symbolic for what is ahead... I had my journal with me and wrote down everything... In it I wrote, "Is it possible that I am going to get pregnant?" "When"... What I got made me think: "is it 3months, 3years?" I also thought maybe that I was pregnant with a future plan or purpose that He wanted to bring about... Then one of the people that was leading that night got up to speak, and the first thing she said that night was: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you".... Jeremiah 1:5 I thought that out of ALL of the scriptures in the bible, she used THAT one... I didn't believe it was a coincidence..
So, I left it alone, like I have with other things that have been placed on heart and knew that "if" it was in fact the Lord, then it would come to pass, either way.. And that He would make it clear...
A few weeks later in another time of worship, the same thing happened again... I had forgotten what happened before... I was sitting there wondering if this was really the Lord...
Just to let you know, for my husband and I, another baby was not even on our radar screen... We have 15 and 11 year old boys... I did want more babies before, but we could never get on the same page about it, so I just let the dream go... But I felt soooooo blessed with what I had. I wasn't sad, things were so good for us, and I would literally cry at times in my quiet time with the Lord because He has blessed us soooo much, and restored... so... much...
Then one day in early December, my husband and I were out running errands together... We were at Half~Price Books and he points out some baby stuff and I noticed that he had been pointing out baby stuff lately... {not even thinking about those nights, and what the Lord placed on my heart.} I asked him why he kept on pointing out all that stuff when he didn't want anymore kiddos... He said, "we can have a baby." and I was like WHAT?!?!? He said, "let's have a baby."
You don't understand, FOR YEARS that is what I wanted sooooo bad... Even a couple of years back I wrote about it and put it in my prayer box. I put: "the best Christmas present my husband could ever give me, is to say that he wants to have a baby." But he never did, and we were getting older... Then the Lord started to restore things in our lives and in our marriage, and I gave that dream to the Lord... I told Him that if it was His will that I would welcome it with open arms, but if not, then I that was ok too, and I finally let it go... totally...
Then, in DECEMBER, my husband is saying this! But, it is two years later, and WE ARE OLDER, and moving on to another phase in our lives...
I would lay awake at night and go over and over this, still not thinking about those nights in October and November... I would think, "do we want to start all over?", "Can I do this?" And then I would think, "but I prayed for this, and I also said that it would best Christmas gift my husband could ever give me, and IT IS HAPPENING, only we are older!" I couldn't believe it, but I WAS SCARED... (maybe part of it was that my desire was potentially coming to pass, but what if it didn't and I had to let it go again...) I thought and prayed about it the rest of December. We decided at the beginning of January that we would try to get pregnant: January, February, March, April, and if it didn't happen, we would be fine with that and just move forward...
On February 15, 2011 we found out that we were expecting a baby... I was shaking, I was so excited... We couldn't believe it!!! Then, those nights in October and November came flooding back to me... I ran to get my journal and flipped back to see exactly what I wrote... I saw where I had asked the Lord, {based on what He had shown me about the time frame} 3months, 3years, and it was 3 MONTHS from that first time He placed it on my heart!!!! I just couldn't believe it!! He was speaking to me about this!!
I started telling family and friends and they were all so excited... This was the first time in my life that when I told people I was pregnant, everyone was excited... It was such a blessing... I prayed for our little baby everyday...
This pregnancy was different though... I felt sooooo sick and sooooo emotional... It was tough... I thought for sure I must be having a girl, because I didn't feel this way with my boys... It was really hard because I was scared a lot... I went from doing everything for my family, to doing nothing... So on top of being so sick, I felt like a failure as a wife and mom because I couldn't do anything... My husband was sooooo amazing and understanding through this time. I totally fell in love with him in a whole other way... He would say stuff about having other kids and I would tell him and the Lord, "I am NOT doing this again." I could do it once, by the grace of God, but not again...
Fast forward to March 11th... I found out that I lost a good friend in a car accident... Then on March 14th we went in for our 1st ultrasound. I was nervous but I knew that once I saw the baby, I would feel so much better... I was even thinking that once we found out the sex and if it was a girl, we might give her my friends middle name... I was 8wks. pregnant.. When they did the ultrasound, the tech said that the baby didn't develop like it was suppose to.. It was devastating... As we were waiting for the doctor to come in, I said, "would you want to try again, or was it too much for you?" and he said, "it wasn't too much for me..." {i feel like the Lord placed destiny in my heart and even though I said I wouldn't do it again, something in me rose up and knew that we would probably try again...}
So many things were swirling in my head, "i have to call everyone", "we have to tell the boys", "what happens now", "what about what the Lord showed me", "what does this mean?".....
The doctor came in and said that people usually have a DNC at this point... I didn't know what that was, she explained, and asked her if I could just let things progress naturally... She said I could wait a little longer, and for me to come in the following week to see if everything was decompressing, then at that point we would decide..
We made our phone calls and let the boys know. I just was trying to process ALL of what was going on... {My friend Melissa dying and now our baby...} What in the world is going on???
Tuesday, I woke up from a nap, and the thought crossed my mind that we could pray for a miracle... Medically, it is impossible, but with God, all things are possible... So my husband and I prayed: "Lord, we are going to love You and follow You no matter how You choose to answer, but we are praying for a miracle for this baby.." I told some people and they were standing with us in prayer... I wrote on my stomach some stuff and one of those was: "you shall live and not die and declare the works of the Lord!" I called prayer lines and they prayed with me...
We went back a week later and nothing had changed... The doctors said that because we were about to go out-of-town for a week, they wanted me to have the surgery a week before I left... They were concerned that if I did this on my own, that I might run into complications and be 1100 miles away.
So, I went in to have the DNC on March 23rd... The "silver lining" that day was the doctor and anesthesiologist... The doctor came in to talk with me before the procedure and asked my friend if she was my sister. My friend replied "sister in Christ"... Then the doctor grabbed both of our hands and prayed with us! It was amazing!!! Before she walked out she said that the anesthesiologist was a Christian too... It really is the little things (although it felt like a big thing to me.) that you have to look for even in the midst of it all...
On a side note, I was reading in the word one morning (probably looking for some kind of answer) and something very interesting caught my attention.
Matthew 8:18: When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. {then after He gave the orders some people were talking to Him}
Matthew 8:23-25: Then He got into the boat and His disciples {{followed Him}}. Without warning a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat.
The interesting thing about this is, Jesus gave the orders to get in the boat, and the disciples obeyed, and then it says: "Without warning a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat." So, I thought: "Wow, they were following Jesus, doing what they were told, and this storm just comes up." Which I think we all know this in our mind, but if you are like me, you wonder if you did something to cause the storm... But after I read this, it was like I knew I was on the right path, doing what I was told to do, but here comes the storm... And it was His question to them, that has me thinking...
Matthew 8:26: “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” {why are you so afraid?} {why am I so afraid??}
These storms that I just went through, allowed all this stuff to rise to the surface that, I either didn't know was there, or had shoved down... Storms have a way of stirring stuff up, to where you have no energy to keep them down, "pulling yourself by your boot straps" and "putting on a brave face just wont cut it"...
So yeah Jesus, why am I so afraid? Help me get to the root.... Loss is hard, and no one wants to lose someone they love, but I am talking about all the other stuff that rose to the top....
I will continue with this story at later dates, and will also be blogging about other stuff along the way...
Blessings to you out there, and praying that the Lord makes Himself known to you and that you know how much you are truly loved..
Love,
Tracy
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